The wounds that never heal
Child sexual abuse Survivor story……..
The truth that I have been hiding nearly entire my life , hard to believe at some point . The truth I hate about myself , the truth that made me strong and wise . The truth I had been portraying in my mind like It doesn’t happened at all , which is already killing me inside.
Yeah ! I am talking about sexual abuse , especially child sexual abuse . Where I got victimized at age 3 n half years as far as I remember continued till 11 years . At the age of 10 I realized that what was happening to me this long is not meant be happened , its not correct , its not like what they’ve said , its something crime. I said no to them, then they started threatening me to harm the person I like the most . Lets talk about this in detail
What exactly defines CSA (child sexual abuse) :
Any sexual contact between adult and a child defined by touching with the intension, manual stimulation of genitals ,forcing them fondling of genitals and other body parts using child to arouse them ,intend to physically abusing them ,taking unpleasant pictures of and with children and talking sexually to the child include CSA.
Does a child willingly go to them ? :
Its so ridiculous to say that a kid willingly went to an abuser. I know kids are the most pure souls ,they doesn’t trust anyone without a reason . Agree with me? They might have trusted the abuser blindly or abuser may have shown the affection they needed
It’s the innocence of kids they played with.
When I have found that its happening to me
As I said at the age of 10 my friend described me that she had gone through this. And through a television show satyameva jayathe . I was devastated that very moment , I realized that It was something to worry about then I initiated to say no to my abusers .
Yes abusers clearly not one, not two ,I only remember 3 faces , they used to grab me in places where they shouldn’t, do all the adultery things I can’t even mention, when I say it’s paining they even torcher me more . You can ask me why was I silent then? If there are so many people involved . Not all at once but one at particular period of time the reason I kept silent is I don’t know what it was, how can a 4 yrs old kid can imagine something called sex is happening . Among those abusers one said it was a game, one said it like just a common thing between male and female ,another said its like picking nose every one does it but no one will speak up . They even went far and said you can see couples doing like parents doing it . Before judging me think twice how come a 4yrs or 5yrs or 6yrs kid can knew anything that it was wrong . I kept silent for so long like my mouth got muted for certain topics . And here is a thing I don’t lie 99.9% I am afraid to lie instead I keep it mute .
At the age of 13 a boy victim spoke to me, he’s so much younger than me I’m in total shook, how come boys be a victim. Found now that 52% of CSA victims are boys . One in 5 kids we can find a CSA victim . Every one have different story , no one deals with same consequences or no one deals with same mental health problems . The worst part is re-victimization it happened to me in 16 and 17 yrs I got totally devastated felt like its end of my life , I‘ve seen enough.
Impact on a child :
Impact of child sexual abuse is terrifying
Kid can loose trust , gain selective mutism , depression , anxiety , PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) , trauma, temper tantrums easily got triggered to some incidents and show anger and some psychotic behaviour, shame , guilt , pain challenging extremely difficult to live , suicidal thoughts , night mares flashbacks actively avoiding situations that might bring back memories of the trauma. Plagued anger directing towards themselves.
IMPACT ON ME :
Felt like I have lost my entire childhood ,my life felt apart, tripped the track , I know I can make many happy memories with the life I used have such a loving and caring family ,I used to be very lucky , but when I found out this all that got blacked out ,I felt like I don’t deserve this family , felt unbearable shame ,guilt, always wanted to end my life , there are numerous times I got to edge of ending my life , doesn’t made anything better but my tolerance to pain.
No memories left except this , a memory without smile .
I was always a muted kid used to only talk in front of the people I trust most . easily irritated always shows temper tantrums , I have no control on emotions , I used to blame myself for everything that happened , used to have low self esteem , always used to say I’m fat and I’m ugly with very low confidence.
Re-victimization:
Till age 16 things were used to be fine felt in love everything is in control gained confidence being brave .
But then I got re-victimized twice , how you ask ? GROPING which is pretty common ugly deed in our transports , here we go again study felt apart , unusual flash-backs , nightmares, sleepless nights used to cry at night unknowingly in my dreams, person slept next to me always ask this ., binge eating , fear to talk to men, hatred towards men , I know not all men are same but victimizing twice made me total insecure, lost complete trust. There are few men I trusted , 3 mostly 3 incredible men ,I’ve ever seen or met
One broke my heart left me without hearing any of this , one knew about this disowned me for other reasons which are consequences of my mental illness, one is still holding my hand through all my fights . I’m lucky and thank-full all of them still love me unconditionally .
Many claim that I’m rude but I always wanted to talk less ,avoiding eye contact , what should I say the struggle is real,.i got afraid to travel alone . I used to ask my then boyfriend if he had time to be with me while traveling . The last time I travelled in train is 4yrs ago I still have that fear . Sometimes I cant say out loud these to my family , I felt safe around him I trusted him got married to him too. he gave me the mental support I needed a year after i got married ,it took me lot of time to explain it clearly , I praise his patience he haven’t came to conclusion within days or months he waited whole year to completely understand my problem. key is just listen to wounded child completely before raining on them with questions.
when I say that I wanted to end my life the support I got was these words “ you have gone through so much came this far only to end your life , I mean just look back how much you have transformed ”.
I know being with or travelling with your boyfriend is ‘ izzat ka matter ‘ in India it is portrayed as a big mistake I know I’m taking big dare doing this. It’s better than re-victimizing and loosing life due to mental illness right ?
How I got back on track :
At age 20 I got totally lost with all the things happening around me , since past four years have been like whirlwind gone in 2 days where all the people around me got replaced by new ones . I stayed immobilized there’s nothing in my mind except ending my own life from unbearable shame and guilt , I have no idea what the answer I gave to all those ridiculous questions. i just wanted to dislocate me from any situation that made worse.
I have no idea about” izzat ,paruvu ,pride” only thing I had in my mind is my drowning life I needed emotional support to get up and be normal . Thought I had 3 shoulders to cry on but left alone .
I never wanted to take revenge on abusers , I never wanted to blame them I blamed me for everything happened because of my innocence and being dumb, hated me, there was this shame guilt ruining my life totally , afraid to be in social gatherings , skipping classes , hard to face anything.
There’s a situation where one my abuser’s child lying in my lap she was 2 and half yrs old , I prayed god seeing her smiling , ‘It should never happen to you what your father did to me’ .
I slowly gained confidence back talking to online mental health experts
Cured my binge eating and irregular eating disorders
My depression faded , said good bye to anxiety
PTSD wont leave me but I can manage
There are no sleepless nights, endless fights now , I can say I’m okay without having a mental breakdown .
These all visit me still! but I can manage my emotions now being strong . Now I can emotionally support a victim and give them hope
Message
We know it’s a common thing happening for so long then why hushing your children , friends , please stand by their side before they end their lives or got addicted to substances or even worse. some people told me to hush don’t tell this to anyone .
It took to me this long to open up . I’m afraid people will call me ‘bechari, iyyo papam “ . Ps: I told my family at 18 , its too late to control all my emotions I was on edge of life , I know its too late thought I could manage all this gave up and told them
Now I’m doing this to help those muted inner child in victims .
We are not victims we are survivors ,fighters . Its okay to come forward in order to let those victims know u can be more than what you think.
